


Pushing Away and Holding Close

by ElentariR



Series: Getting Back to Myself [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, F/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 05:15:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7421380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElentariR/pseuds/ElentariR
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re afraid of something. Worried. Don’t think I didn’t notice.” It was very difficult to lie to someone with Bucky’s extensive and thorough training. “You avoided me like I was a leper yesterday after our talk in the kitchen. I want to know why.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pushing Away and Holding Close

“Good evening, James.” Noelle greeted quietly. She held her door open to him. “Mom and Dad are still out with Steven.”

Bucky nodded. Bill had mentioned the day prior that they would be out on the town enjoying time with their grandson. Noelle looked calm, but reserved. She had opted for jeans and t-shirt, her feet bare and her hair loose.

“I did something to upset you yesterday. I would like to know what it is.” Bucky didn’t see a need to beat around the bush. Whatever their issue was needed to be resolved before they discussed a safety plan.

Noelle pursed her lips and crossed her arms. She looked pointedly away. “I thought you were going to abandon Steven.”

“I would never abandon you or Steven.” Her choice of words did not escape his notice. “And that’s not what I’m talking about.” He waited for her to respond.

Noelle lifted her chin stubbornly. She remained silent.

“You’re afraid of something. Worried. Don’t think I didn’t notice.” It was very difficult to lie to someone with Bucky’s extensive and thorough training. “You avoided me like I was a leper yesterday after our talk in the kitchen. I want to know why.”

She glanced at him. There was a slight tremor in her jaw and her arms tightened across her chest. She was trying not to cry. “You said you might die.” Her voice trembled slightly, though she did her best to keep her voice steady and calm. Noelle opened her mouth to continue, but she couldn’t. She pressed a fist to her mouth and looked away.

Bucky wanted to envelop her in a hug, but he knew it would be unappreciated. He refrained.

“I said some people might try to kill me.” Bucky acknowledged slowly. Wheels turned in his head. “Although I’m pretty hard to kill, speaking from experience.”

Noelle began fidgeting with the blanket draped over the back of the couch. It was already perfectly folded. Bucky noticed how she distanced herself and how her hands fluttered.

He took a step closer, which she mirrored by stepping further away. Bucky noted her behavior. “Talk to me, sweetheart.” Bucky said quietly. He couldn’t bring himself to regret his slight slip.

Noelle’s head jerked up. “Lovely weather we’re having today. Perfect autumn day. I think it might snow soon.” There was a panicked edge to her voice and her eyes were slightly wild.

Bucky would not be distracted. He had a haunch and decided to run with it. “You’re afraid that I’m going to die. Like Robert did.” He continued to assess her. “You’re afraid of getting hurt again. Of Steven losing someone else. That’s why you can’t put enough space between us, why you can’t look me in the eyes. Yesterday was the first time you realized it was a possibility.”

He hoped she might give an indication of the nature of her feelings towards him – provide her own enlightenment following the interesting conversation he had overheard the day prior.

Noelle’s hands stilled. Her head bowed.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me I’m wrong.” Bucky kept his voice quiet and gentle.

“Why?” She knotted her fingers together.

“Because honesty is the key to a good relationship. And that’s what I like to think we have.”

A tiny smile formed on her face. It wavered, but was there. She was quiet for a moment. “You’re not entirely wrong.” She didn’t look at him, but her eyes managed to lift to his chest, and that was close enough. Although it wasn’t exactly the confirmation of her feelings that he was hoping for, it would have to do for the time being.

Bucky took an experimental step. She didn’t move away. He took another step. She leaned away, but remained rooted. Bucky stood just out of reach. He debated his next choice of words.

“I know what it’s like to be afraid to lose someone you care about. I’ve lost people, too.” He licked his lips. “I can’t promise that I won’t die, just as you can’t promise me you won’t die. That Steven won’t die.” His voice faltered at the end, momentarily paralyzed by the thought of losing Noelle and Steven. “And the thought of losing one of you… I don’t think I could bare it.”

Noelle’s face softened despite the tears he saw forming her eyes. Pressure mounted behind his eyes. “James...”

“Bucky.” He surprised himself by saying. “I think I want to be called Bucky. By you.” It sounded right.

Noelle nodded.

He continued with a brief shake of his head. “The point… What I’m trying to say is that we can’t promise each other tomorrow. I can’t guarantee that I’ll live for another few decades any more than you can guarantee that you will.”

Noelle bit her lip.

“If you had known that Robert would die as young as he did, would you have done anything differently?”

Noelle immediately scowled. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Bucky waited with a slightly raised eyebrow.

Understanding began to dawn on Noelle.

“I’m not a stranger to death or fear. But I’m not going to let it stop me from living.” Bucky smiled faintly. “You taught me that.”

Noelle blinked. “I did?”

Bucky nodded. “Every day. With everything you do.” The corners of his mouth tipped upwards. “And you never let me give up on myself.”

She smiled softly. Tears were still in her eyes, and she swiped them away. “Well, you shouldn’t. You’re kinda wonderful.” Bucky’s feet propelled him forward. He wrapped her in a tight hug. Bucky smiled to himself when Noelle’s arms encircled him and she hugged him back.

Their hug lingered. Neither was willing to pull away. Bucky reveled in the feeling of Noelle in his arms.

Noelle’s cheeks were flushed when they parted and she looked away shyly. She exhaled. “You didn’t just come down for that.” She stated.

Bucky glanced at Noelle’s hand. She was still wearing her wedding ring. He took a deep breath. He could wait. Noelle was worth it.

He forced his mind back to the task at hand. “Yeah.”

“You were right yesterday. We need a super secret squirrel code.”

Bucky blinked and frowned. “A what?”

Noelle grinned and waved her hand. “Never mind. What’s the plan.”

“Stark Tower.” Bucky stated firmly. “First sign of trouble, you drop everything and run. Take Steven to Stark Tower. Steve Rogers is there. He’ll help you.”

“He doesn’t know me. He’ll think I’m a crazy stalker lady.” Noelle frowned.

“That’s why you tell him that there’s a jerk waiting to give him his stupid back.”

Noelle blinked. “Inside joke?”

“Something like that.” That memory was coming back in pieces.

“Alright.” Noelle nodded. “What’s our S.O.S – our safe word or whatever you want to call it?”

Bucky shrugged.

“How about ‘I have something stuck in my shoe’?” Noelle suggested. “I mean, it’s not really original. Saw it on an episode of _Supernatural_. Although on the show it meant that they were being followed… It’s close, I guess.”

“It’s a bit longer than I like, but it will work.” Bucky replied. Noelle gave a satisfied nod.

“Good.” She audibly exhaled. She straightened when a thought struck her. “Mom and Dad are having dinner with us tonight. They should be back soon. It’s just leftovers, but you’re welcome to join us.” Noelle offered. She looked up at him hopefully.

He had planned on a night alone, working on remembering his past, but he couldn’t turn down the offer. “I don’t want to impose.” He knew she didn’t get to see her parents very often.

Noelle arched her eyebrows. “Ja… Bucky. Seriously. You are welcome anytime. Especially when I outright invite you. Besides, my parents love you.”

Bucky perked up. “They do?” That made him swell with pride.

Noelle nodded. “Yep.” She smiled and playfully poked his side. “Told you they would.” Bucky smiled and laughed.

“Yes, you did. I’m sorry I doubted you.”

Noelle glanced at her phone when it dinged. “They’re on their way now. Should be here in a fifteen, Mom says.”

“I’ll set the table.” Bucky said, already moving to the kitchen. Noelle followed. Her minuscule smile did not escape notice.

Noelle and Bucky set the table in companionable silence. Bucky enjoyed working with Noelle. They were finishing reheating dishes when Noelle’s parents and son returned. Noelle admitted them as Bucky was setting the bowl of lima beans on the table.

Steven bounded into the home and immediately launched into an animated recount of their day. Noelle listened attentively while she ushered him towards the bathroom to wash up for dinner.

“Noelle said you were joining us for dinner.” Grace said. She set her purse on the floor by the door. She smiled at Bucky.

“If that’s alright. I don’t want to intrude.” He knew it was Noelle’s home, but…

Bill lifted an eyebrow. “Son, if there’s one thing you need to know about Noelle and her mother, it’s that they live to feed people.” He said wryly. “Believe me. You won’t be intruding. They would adopt the whole US Army if they could.”

Grace shrugged and smiled. She snaked her arm around her husband’s waist. “You know you love it.”

“I do.” Bill smiled at his wife.

Bucky curiously observed the interaction. He was glad that Noelle was raised in such a loving environment, and Steven as well. Bucky averted his eyes respectfully when Bill leaned down and kissed his wife.

With some of the pressure from the day before gone, Bucky engaged more with Bill and Grace. He learned that they both were happily enjoying retirement by working with a variety of local charities, many benefiting veterans and their families. He could see aspects of Noelle in her parents, though she shared the most with her mother.

Bucky was almost content.

As he gazed at Noelle, who was laughing at something her father had said, he nearly blurted out his feelings. Steven’s insistent tapping on Bucky’s arm provided a blessed distraction.

“Do you think Mom will let us have pie for dessert?” Steven whispered loudly. He hadn’t quite mastered the art of whispering.

Bucky shared a smile with the boy. “I’m hoping for some of that pumpkin pie myself.”

Steven nodded vigorously.

Steven grinned broadly when Noelle announced that pie was forthcoming. Bucky’s smile was small, but pleased. He caught Noelle’s eyes and she flashed him a smile that made him glance down at his plate. He kicked himself.

He was a fierce, calloused soldier, dammit, not a blushing schoolboy. He struck fear in the hearts of his enemies.

But the pie was delicious.

The company was pleasant.

Noelle was happy.

And when she walked Bucky to the door, she didn’t object in the least to giving him a hug.


End file.
